On Facebook this morning, I wrote the longest status update I’ve ever written. I’m reposting it here and then adding a few thoughts.
I am a bisexual.
I’ve known my entire life that I was attracted to both women and men, but didn’t have a word for it. And, to be quite honest, I ran away from it. When I met my husband in church, I told him that I had been attracted to women too, he understood and we got married.
Everything started out wonderful. We had two children. Problems started to arise in our marriage, but we did our best move forward.
We picked up our family and moved from San Diego, CA to Apex, NC. It was a difficult move. We discovered that we were having a tough time in our faith. We left church. I started to blossom. I grew in ways I didn’t expect. Wrote my first book and started speaking. More growth. The more I grew, the more our marriage was crumbling. We were both miserable.
After 18 years of marriage, I asked for counseling. He didn’t think we needed it. I asked for a divorce, he agreed to counseling.
We went to 3 sessions. Some good things happened. My husband realized that he needed to make some changes. I realized that we had more differences than similarities.
The therapist recognized that even though my husband was making changes that I wasn’t completely on board. She had me think about what I wanted so my husband and I could discuss it.
I came up with a list of 4 things. Unfortunately, my husband wasn’t any of the 4 things. One of the 4 things was that I wanted to explore a relationship with a woman.
We discussed getting a divorce, decided that it was best to wait until the kids graduated. In the meantime, he said it would be okay with him if I pursued a relationship with a woman. After making sure he was certain of what he was saying, I did.
I met the most AMAZING woman. I couldn’t believe it! She was EVERYTHING on my list and THEN SOME. The conversations we were having were INCREDIBLE! We began to fall in love in a very short period of time. Neither of us could believe what was happening. Being with her was the most right thing I had ever done in my life. EVER.
We were helping each other grow. We were changing for the better. We challenged each other. We laughed together. We sang, we danced, we ate (OMG, she is an AWESOME chef!!), we drank, we slept, we had an amazing love life. We fit together perfectly in so many incredible ways. We started making plans for the future. She was in my thoughts at every turn.
One problem.
When we had originally met, I lied about 2 topics. Everything else was true, but these 2 topics I lied about and kept lying about. I lied about them for 3 months.
I had reached a point where keeping the lies intact was making me sick to my stomach. Here’s the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and I had screwed up. I had to tell her.
On Sunday, midway through telling her the truths, I got scared again. What if this last truth destroys us?
I kept one lie.
The truths that I told, they grieved her. I thought I could keep the last one and we would be okay (stupid, stupid, stupid), but she knew there was more. I kept it that secret for two more days. Then started throwing up in my attempt to cover the truth.
I knew I had to come completely clean, no matter how painful it was. She said it didn’t matter what it was, our love was strong enough to work through anything.
I hoped she was right.
Yesterday, I told her. I laid everything bare as I should have done 2 days earlier.
Our love, as incredible as it is, may not be strong enough to handle this wave of truth.
And now, I have destroyed the heart and trust of the most beautiful person I’ve ever met in my life. I have practically decimated the most amazing relationship I’ve ever had…ever will have.
It feels as though there is a constant earthquake in my chest, my stomach…a darkness looming in my head. How could I have been so fucking stupid?
I don’t know that she can ever forgive me. I would do anything to make it right, but I can’t change how much I screwed up.
She’s changed me.
She’s made me a better person.
And, now, in an attempt to stop hiding from the truths in my life, here I am telling my friends…I am a bisexual, I found the most amazing person, the love of my life, she means everything to me, she is my world and I hurt her…maybe beyond repair.
I hope she can find a way to forgive me.
Whether she does or not…I’m forever changed.
I love her deeply and completely and always will.
(For those of you that don’t know who I am, I am the Toothbrush Person.)
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So, why post this here? Because I’m going to bring the Truth Serum series back and set up some new programs that will help you to make the changes in your life that you need to make. I’ve made the biggest, BOLDest breakthrough of my life and I’m ready to help you make yours.
It’s going to be raw, vulnerable, powerful and BOLD!
Be BOLD and Kick Your “Stuck” to the Curb™
I have decided that I’m not going to bring back the Truth Serum series back…at least not for now. I’m currently working on a new program, “BOLD Goal Setting for Kick-Ass Results!”