Why was this experience debilitating for you?
I was already quite withdrawn from being separated from my family during third grade. By the time I was molested at the age of 12, I had become increasingly withdrawn, confused and scared. (The person that attacked me was eventually incarcerated for raping women at knife and gunpoint. It’s believed that I was one of his earliest victims.)
Toward the end of that summer, I found that I wasn’t able to sleep anymore and told my mom what had happened at the store. Her response was, “So, what do you want me to do?”
I’m sure she said several other things, but this is what stuck with me and I didn’t know the answer to the question.
But more importantly, I began to think that what had happened wasn’t that serious. I began to doubt my decisions, grew to mistrust people in general and became increasingly withdrawn with severe mood swings.
Eventually, I became so depressed that began systematic harming of my body and became suicidal. At the age of 16, I was admitted into a psychiatric institution in Virginia called Springwood Institute. My admission, though voluntary, came at a complete loss of privacy as I was assigned a personal guard to always be within an arm’s reach of preventing me from hurting myself.
As awkward as this was, it was strangely comforting to know that I couldn’t hurt myself and no one else could hurt me either.
14 weeks later, I was released into the world that put me there.
When I was 18, my mother informed me that had not ever wanted to have children. I looked at her and told her that my sister and I knew. We were never physically abused, but to say that there was a lack of love would have been an understatement.
I continued on a slow downward spiral through sexual promiscuity, drug abuse and personal debasement. I believed that life was hell and that I would never live a life with happiness or find someone that I could share my life with.
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All of us can find something in our past or present that was or is debilitating. The question remains, what are you going to do about it? Are you going to allow it to keep you down and destroy your spirit? Or are you going to find inspiration in people around you and fight for you?
I know, you’re thinking, “Well, it’s not that simple, Deidre.”
But it is.
I’m not saying it isn’t a long process. In fact, I think that we should be growing and changing for the rest of our lives. We should always strive for me…we should always chase our dreams.
But in the beginning of the road, it’s a simple decision. You’re not alone and there are plenty of people around you who will support you and hold your hand along the way.
It won’t be comfortable, but it will be TOTALLY worth it!
Let go and see!
Deidre Hughey